We are each individuals first. It might sound obvious, but we are unique, with our own feelings, values, desires, and motivations. We also carry our own pain, trauma, fears, and anxieties. From a Gestalt therapeutic lens, this is reflected in our own ground, introjections, projections, and retroflections.
Whenever we enter into a relationship with others, a third element is formed: the relationship itself. It is a meeting of two or more individuals, each bringing their own experiences, beliefs, needs, and expectations. Depending on our histories, this is often where we begin to notice our differences in areas like spirituality, money, politics, sex, family, and work.
As the relationship progresses, more is brought into the center. How to live, work, resolve conflict, raise a family, and create a home. The center becomes filled with differences around responsibilities, tasks, and duties. What once felt like a connection between two people can begin to feel like a negotiation between two different ways of being in the world. This is where differences meet, interact, and often collide. We may try to resolve them by finding common ground, compromising, or, most popularly, attempting to change the other.
But difference does not necessarily mean something is wrong. It reminds us that we are separate individuals, each with our own ground. The challenge is not to eliminate difference, but to learn how to be in relationship with it. To make room for the other without losing ourselves, and to remain connected without requiring the other to be the same as us. To let others be themselves while allowing ourselves to do the same.
Over time, we can begin to lose sight of the individuals within the relationship. The focus shifts from who we are to what we need to do. We become partners, parents, providers, employees, managers, and caretakers, defined by the roles we play and the responsibilities we carry. The relationship becomes something to maintain, manage, and sustain. Somewhere in this process, we can lose contact with ourselves.
Our own needs, desires, and feelings become secondary to the needs of the relationship. We may make choices based on what is expected of us, what keeps the peace, or what we believe we should do. We introject what someone else needs, what a parent should be, how a work relationship should operate, and what a marriage is supposed to look like. We project our fears and insecurities onto the other. Rather than express what we feel, we may turn those feelings inward.
We can become so focused on the relationship that we forget there are individuals within it. We begin to see others through the roles they play, the things they do or don't do, and the ways they meet or fail to meet our expectations. Perhaps we begin to see ourselves the same way. The other becomes the partner who doesn't listen, the parent who doesn't do enough, the colleague who doesn't pull their weight, or the person who should know better. And we become the one who carries too much, always compromises, or has to hold everything together. Underneath these roles, expectations, and frustrations are individuals who may have lost sight of themselves.
So, how do we begin to find our way back? How do I start to see myself again as an individual? And, from there, how do I start to see others as individuals too?